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Tuesday Aug 06 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Welcome to a very special edition of "The Tonight Show." The White House announced that in the coming days, President Obama will be reaching out to Americans who have lost their jobs. In fact, that’s why he’s here with me tonight. He’s talking to me personally.

As our studio audience knows, the security today was incredible. In fact, first lady Michelle Obama already had the Secret Service sweep the president’s dressing room for chips, pizza, ice cream — any kind of snack, donut, any kind of sweets.

Happy birthday to President Obama! He turned 52 over the weekend. You can see he is getting a little grayer. In fact, they are starting to call him "The Silver Fox." That’s because most of the silver in his hair was caused by Fox.

All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries.

Conan

Alex Rodriguez returned to baseball last night. After appealing his drug suspension, Alex thanked his family, friends, and fans for their support. Then he thanked all the horses and cattle for their testosterone.

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has purchased The Washington Post for $250 million. He said that last night, like most Amazon customers, he was drunk and buying crap on the Internet he didn't need.

At an airport in Connecticut a man was arrested after saying he had a bomb. He was released as soon as he showed police his DVD of "The Lone Ranger."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is Jamaican Independence Day. Today in Jamaica, everyone spent the entire day smoking, drinking, and having a great time — and then they remembered it was Jamaican Independence Day.

People think everyone in Jamaica smokes marijuana. That is just not true. Some of them eat it.

Jamaica isn't far away from Florida. If you go to Jamaica, on a quiet night you can hear old people in Boca Raton laughing at CBS sitcoms.

I wanted to go to Jamaica because "Dr. No" — the first James Bond movie — was filmed there with Ursula Andress. In that movie, they show all the beach scenes in Jamaica and all the jungle scenes in Sean Connery's chest hair.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon.com, just bought The Washington Post for $250 million. He just walked into the Post's headquarters and said, “Add to cart.”

Since Bezos bought the Post before 11 a.m., he got same-day delivery.

Alex Rodriguez was suspended from baseball for using performance-enhancing drugs, but then he appealed, so technically he can still play. Last night he played his first game since the suspension and hit a bloop single. And then he said, "Imagine how far that would have gone if I was still on steroids!”

 
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