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Monday Aug 05 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

This is the final season of AMC's "Breaking Bad," and I know how it ends. It turns out that Walter White stops cooking meth and opens his own sports medicine lab with Alex Rodriguez.

Major League Baseball has suspended Alex Rodriguez for 211 games, but A-Rod is still fighting. He's vowing to come back 10 times bigger and 10 times stronger. I don't know if that's a good sign or not.

It's not just A-Rod. Baseball gave 12 players 50-game suspensions. The rules are clear. If you're going to do drugs and still expect to play, you'd better be a musician. That's the only way you can do drugs and still play.

The horrible news for Cubs fans is that not one of their players got suspended today. That means they're stuck with the same guys for the rest of the year.

Conan

Major League Baseball announced today that Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for 211 games. So if you're familiar with baseball's schedule, it means he'll be out for about a month. I think there are 10,000 games in a season.

This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he's not allowed to have any.

Photos of the royal baby's birth certificate have surfaced. Kate's occupation on the document is listed as "princess." It's always inspiring to me when a new mother decides to remain in the workplace.

One of the latest trends is an ATM machine where transactions are conducted by a human teller. The cutting-edge device is called a bank.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber — minus the part about everybody loving him.

I can't decide on a favorite Smurf. I love Papa Smurf, of course. And the one who's always yelling at everyone with those long-winded stories. What's his name? Oh yeah, Regis Smurf.

Then there's Tito Smurf, Jermaine Smurf, and Kardashian Smurf.

Papa Smurf is their leader, but he wasn't an elected leader. He inherited the position after the death of his father, Kim Jong Smurf.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Baseball suspended 13 players for alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs, most notably baseball's highest paid player, Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees. A-Rod is suspended for 211 games. That is an odd number, but .211 is what they calculated his batting average would have been without the drug.

A-Rod held a press conference earlier in Chicago. He dodged almost every question. But when asked directly, "Did you use performance-enhancing drugs?" he said, "Me no steroids" and then knocked White Sox Stadium down with his bare hands.

I don't believe A-Rod used performance-enhancing drugs, but I also don't believe in Canadians. Really, there are millions of people living in another country right above us? I don't think so.

Kobe Bryant was in China this weekend. The NBA is very popular in China, which makes sense because that's where all the shoes come from.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Alex Rodriguez has been suspended from baseball for 211 games, but he said he’ll appeal the decision and keep playing. Yeah, even Anthony Weiner was like, “Man, some people just don’t know when to quit.”

A-Rod was suspended for buying performance-enhancing drugs from an anti-aging clinic in Florida. You know, because if there’s one place where people really know how to look young, it’s Florida.

President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday yesterday. You can tell he’s getting older because he no longer supports President Obama.

The Boston Globe newspaper has been sold for $70 million, even though 20 years ago it went for $1.1 billion. I couldn’t believe that story when I saw it for free on the Internet.

 
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