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Thursday Aug 01 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

More problems for America's creepiest mayor, San Diego's Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would've come forward sooner but the line was too long.

Mayor Filner now wants the city of San Diego to pay for his sexual harassment lawsuit. He says it's only fair because he harassed women only on government time, never his own time.

In what has to be the most outrageous defense ever — this is real — Filner's lawyer said if there's any liability, it's the city liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training. Oh, come on now. Just shut up!

It is not looking good for Alex Rodriguez. There's a good chance he could be banned from baseball for life. How good? He got 2-to-1 odds from Pete Rose.

Conan

Major League Baseball said that on Friday it will announce which players they're penalizing for steroid use. So far the rumor is . . . all of them.

An NFL player is in big trouble for making a comment at a country music concert that's offensive to black people. His comment was, "I enjoy country music."

In a recent interview, Katy Perry revealed that she would like to become a serious actress. She then did a monologue from "Macbeth" in a bra made of ice cream.

Facebook has a new feature that allows you to see what you were posting a year ago. You just log on to Facebook and click on the "I'm wasting my life" button.

Late Show with David Letterman

The big "Smurfs" movie sequel is out. It's cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, "Who am I to judge them?"

Lindsey Lohan got out of rehab, and she wants to move to New York City. Authorities are advising citizens to stay indoors.

Lindsey Lohan has been in rehab. This is her sixth visit. You know what that means. The next one is free.

Mayor Bloomberg wanted to outlaw giant sugary drinks. He wanted to try to force a ban on sugary sodas and they overturned it. That's fine, but what about a ban on texting while you're running for mayor? Why can't we get a ban on that?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The X Games start today in L.A. Everyone's excited about the X Games, except Larry King. He thought it was a convention for his previous wives.

President Obama is going to appear on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. That's going to be awesome. The most powerful man in the country is going to interview President Obama.

In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain's getting old. He also said he'd consider voting for oatmeal.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Hawaii has a new service that they hope will reduce the homeless population. What they do is buy the homeless people a one-way ticket back home. I don't know how you can go home if you're homeless.

How can you even tell who is homeless in Hawaii? No one wears shoes.

If you're homeless, the state will pay for your plane ticket and transportation to the airport. The hard part is trying to get the shopping cart in the overhead compartment.

If homeless people don't want to fly, they will pay for them to go home on a cruise. That is just what the cruise industry needs — "Now with homeless people."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Edward Snowden, the guy who leaked all that information about the NSA, finally got to leave the Moscow airport this morning after being held there for five weeks. When asked what he wanted to eat, he said, “Anything but Cinnabon.”

Congress has a month-long vacation coming up, but House Republicans are being pressured to use their time off to reach out to women, young people, and minorities. So they all got together and decided to go to a Selena Gomez concert.

It's rumored that AMC’s show “The Walking Dead” is adding a zombie baby to the cast for next season. That’s right, a drooling, hungry creature that can’t talk or listen to reason — most people just call that “a baby.”

 
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