Wednesday Jul 31 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab! TMZ's reporting that she'll spend a few days with a sober coach. Might I suggest she also see a stay-out-of-court coach, a don't-steal coach, a career coach — and most of all, a driving coach, OK?

Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that's what the Tony Awards are for.

The Discovery Channel had a fascinating show about ants. Did you know an ant can lift 20 times its own weight? It used to be only five times its own weight, but then Alex Rodriguez told them about a clinic in Florida.

Rumor is that Alex Rodriguez may soon be facing a serious penalty for steroid use — either a lifetime ban from the sport or a trade to the Houston Astros.


A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, "The important thing is I haven't lost my phone."

A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world's three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you're done. No competition.

Nevada's parole board said O.J. Simpson could be granted early parole. O.J. said he's looking forward to getting out and showing today's NFL players how to REALLY murder someone.

Al-Qaida announced that they will try to free the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, because nothing helps you pull off a prison break like announcing it ahead of time.

Late Show with David Letterman

The ban on giant sugary sodas has been overturned. You can now go to 7-eleven and get yourself a soda cup. There's one so big that Simon and Garfunkel had a reunion concert in it.

The soda cup is so big that the Wallenda guy walked across the top of it.

We have sugary sodas the size of rooftop water tanks here in New York City.

The Pope is back from Rio. He said he would not judge gays. His exact words were, "Let he who is without sin cast the first musical."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is night three of beard week. It is a great tradition that dates back to the last time I didn't feel like shaving.

I hate shaving. Do you realize when you shave you put a razor blade on your face and everything is scraped off?

What maniac started the idea of shaving? Who decided we should leave the eyebrows alone?

Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Anthony Weiner campaign's communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern an inappropriate name. But Weiner said he'd take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to.

I don't know if I believe this or not, but there's this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, "It's true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers."

Time Warner announced that their CEO will resign at the end of the year. They say they would've done it sooner, but that was the earliest they could get a technician to come out and install a replacement.

The producers of the next “Star Wars” movie say they will avoid using CGI as much as possible so the film looks more realistic. That's good because whenever I watch aliens and robots fighting with lasers, my first reaction is, “Hmmmm, seems pretty fake.”

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