Tuesday Jul 30 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's 66 years old today. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn't really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up.

Illegal border crossings in California are way down this month, especially in San Diego. It's because people are scared they might get groped by the mayor if they come across.

Seven women have come forward to say they’ve been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it’s a 12-step program. Here’s a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women.

NFL training camps opened last week. Players said it's nice to be under the lights again — besides the one in the interrogation rooms.


Oprah Winfrey's TV channel OWN has finally turned a profit. Thank God we no longer have to worry about how Oprah is going to make ends meet.

A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.

Today after years of waiting, peace talks resumed between the Israelis and Palestinians. No, wait. I'm sorry. This cue card is from 1979. And 1984. And 1988.

Late Show with David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger is 66 years old today. That's according to records kept by Jane Goodall.

Arnold is not from the United States, as you all know. He was born on Skull Island.

Private Bradley Manning called WikiLeaks and turned over a million documents, and then he was found not guilty of leaking. He was delighted so he celebrated with his brothers, Eli and Peyton.

Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer has now gone on record as saying that Anthony Weiner is not fit to be mayor. Well, that's good enough for me. That's all I needed to hear.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday today to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is 66. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and families.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."

The German baby is so fat that when he wears blue, people think he is the sky.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

One of the women with whom Anthony Weiner had an online relationship, a 23-year-old vixen named Sidney Leathers, is so embarrassed that she stripped down to a bikini photo for the New York Post. The photo was exclusive — because nobody else showed up to photograph her.

I feel like this Sidney Leathers is every woman rolled into one large, disturbing package of tattoos.

Anthony Weiner's wife is Huma, and you know, when you get married you swear to love each other for better or worse, and this is worse. In fact, it couldn't be much worse.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the Democratic race for New York City mayor. Even worse, third place is a write-in candidate — “Anyone else but Weiner.”

Yesterday on Fox News, Donald Trump said there is something “mentally wrong” with Anthony Weiner. He said, “That guy is dangerous, unstable, and disgusting. So look for him next season on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'”

A new study says it's harder to sleep when there's a full moon. I sleep just fine when there's a full moon. When I wake up, my clothes are torn and about seven people are dead, but other than that I sleep fantastic.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, “What am I supposed to do? He's president.”

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