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Monday Jul 29 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In Oregon a guy tried to rob a gun store with a baseball bat. They're calling it the most ineffective use of a bat since the Miami Marlins.

Things are not looking good for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez. It looks like he may spend the rest of his life in jail. On the plus side, Hernandez says he's looking forward to playing on the prison football team under coach Whitey Bulger.

Speaking of prison, OJ Simpson is supposedly up to around 300 pounds. In fact, OJ is now the leading cause of prison overcrowding.

OJ is so fat, he’s asking for the death penalty just so he can get the last meal.

Conan

In Brazil, 3 million people attended the Pope's mass. The Pope attributed the huge turnout to his opening act, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He tours with them wherever he goes.

Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes.

The inventor of the world's first artificial test-tube hamburger said that "It looks, feels, and hopefully tastes like meat." He was immediately sued by Arby's for stealing their slogan.

Late Show with David Letterman

Pope Francis went to Rio in South America and announced that he would not judge anyone who is gay. That's what Pope Francis said. That must have been some trip to Rio.

The new blockbuster movie, "The Wolverine," stars Hugh Jackman, and he's pumped up. To get all buffed out, he had to consume 6,000 calories a day. Hearing this, the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, said "Oh, yeah? Then what did you have for dinner?"

The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They've rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love.

Republicans have accused Carlos Danger of being in the United States illegally.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Anthony Weiner's campaign manager quit. He says he's applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

A lot of people in their 30s get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

In the 1990s we had "That '70s Show," set in the 1970s. The 1970s had "Happy Days" set in the 1950s. And the 1950s had shows set in the 1930s. We had "Here Comes Hitler Boo Boo," "Live with Regis and Herbert Hoover," and "Real Housewives of the Great Depression."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Pope Francis said something surprising today. Pope Francis says he's going to start fighting in MMA events.

Actually the Pope said he has no problem with priests who are gay. He said if someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? It's the same reason he turned down the vacant judge job on "Project Runway."

Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let's be honest.

Neil Patrick Harris is here tonight. He hosted the Tonys this year. He's hosting the Emmys in September. Who knows? Maybe he'll finish this show for me tonight.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner’s newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, “I'm not opening that.”

This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, “What kind of person quits because of something like that?” Then voters said, “Ideally? You.”

I read that 25 percent of toddlers in America know how to use an iPad — while 100 percent of toddlers in China know how to make one.

There's talk that HBO is actually running out of story ideas for “Game of Thrones” because the author hasn't finished the final two books in the series. That's when you know books are hurting — when even the guy writing them is like, “Ahh, I'll just watch the TV show.”

 
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