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Friday Jul 26 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They're called campaign promises.

In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we've all been distracted by phony scandals. It’s time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery.

The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent.

The Lincoln Memorial was vandalized last night. Somebody snuck in the Lincoln Memorial and threw green paint all over Lincoln. How is that even possible? I mean, 148 years later this guy still can't get any security? Come on.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big movie opening today — "Wolverine." Hugh Jackman is a guy with sharp nails who'll tear apart any man who crosses his path. I'm not sure what he does in the movie.

I'm a big fan of Wolverine, and the other X-Men too. I can name them all. Wolverine, Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Storm, Rogue, Sugar Bear, Pumpkin, Chickadee, Mama June, and Honey Boo Boo.

In the comics, Wolverine is a Canadian citizen who worked for the Canadian government. I love the thought of a Canadian superhero. They should have called him Captain Hockey. Or The Lone Bieber.

In the new movie, Wolverine goes to Japan. Over in Japan, they don't call him Wolverine, of course. They call him "Big Fuzzy-Head Man.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Poor Anthony Wiener. His campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. He said it's a minor setback, while the guy in third said, "Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?"

Weiner is in second place. He is no longer in the lead. And it gets worse when you hear the guy in first place is Carlos Danger.

President Obama's got a big retreat coming up. He invited all his Cabinet members to Camp David. Unfortunately, Joe Biden couldn't make the retreat because he's in Asia. That's because Obama told him the retreat was in Asia.

 
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