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Thursday Jul 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I have been learning more about this NSA spying scandal. What are the odds that the only person they weren't monitoring was Anthony Weiner?

Two years ago when Weiner resigned, he said more embarrassing pictures may come out in the future. Do you know how he knew that? Because he went home after that and started texting them. That's how he knew.

The Vatican announced that the late Pope John Paul II will become a saint after they approve a miracle where he cured a woman of severe brain injury, which is pretty impressive. Not as impressive, though, as the miracle of Anthony Weiner still being married, but that's impressive.

In his speech earlier this week in Latin America, the Pope told the people to give up the false idols of success and money. That’s the same thing NBC told me.

Conan

It's been reported that LeBron James will no longer play Olympic basketball for the United States. LeBron said he won't play for any country that has less money than he does.

The NFL wants to test its players for human growth hormone but the players are opposed. Players say there's a time and place for blood tests and that's at their murder trials.

In Pakistan there's a new TV show about a female superhero. Her super powers include flying, X-ray vision, and going to college.

A man in India is claiming to be the oldest man on earth at 141 years old. Larry King said, "I always liked that kid."

Late Show with David Letterman

A tourist came up to me today and she says, "I watch your show on and off." And I said, "How do you like it?" And she said, "Off."

Regis Philbin is here today. Regis has a brand-new show on Fox Sports. Regis is working his way up to Telemundo.

The last time Regis was here, during our chat his beeper went off letting him know they had found a donor.

Anthony Weiner has been on the Internet having obscene chats, and he uses the name Carlos Danger. When Donald Trump heard about it, Trump demanded to see Carlos Danger's birth certificate.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Another tough day for New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. Or as we know him now, "Carlos Danger." I'm no prude, but I think texting obscene pictures crosses the line. Even Geraldo Rivera was like, "Dude, put some clothes on."

I'm conflicted about Anthony Weiner. On one hand, after the pain he caused his family I think he should drop out of the race. On the other hand, his staying makes my job even easier.

At least one case of bubonic plague has been confirmed here in L.A. It was a squirrel. I hope the plague doesn't spread. If it wipes out squirrels across the country, what's Honey Boo Boo going to have for dinner?

What would happen if bubonic plague came to L.A.? People could be turning ungodly shades of purple. Suffering in the streets. An utter disregard for human life. And then the plague would hit.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama gave a big speech yesterday on the economy. It was actually longer than his last State of the Union address — though it should be noted that he opened with 20 minutes of Anthony Weiner jokes.

Taco Bell announced that it will discontinue its line of kids' meals because of low sales. You know your food's bad when even little kids say, “I'm not putting that in my mouth.”

A new study found that kids have better relationships with their parents if they're friends with them on Facebook. That's good because if you're a kid who's friends with your parents on Facebook, chances are you're not really friends with anyone else.

Rocky is back. Again. Yeah, 67-year-old Sylvester Stallone is getting ready to star in a seventh “Rocky” movie. You can tell he’s getting up there because instead of running up those famous stairs, now Rocky just takes the elevator.

 
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