Before we begin the show, I want to ask everyone to turn off their cellphones. It has nothing to do with our program. We just want to protect you from Anthony Weiner. He may try to send you a text.
Anthony Weiner has been caught in yet another sexting scandal. At the beginning of this campaign he said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. Well, they have. Finally, a politician who keeps his promises!
Anthony Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure he should start with his zipper.
The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you'd be able to keep your doctor, and now they're saying you "might" be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from "Yes we can" to "Perhaps we could try. Can’t promise anything."
Taylor Swift canceled a radio contest to meet her biggest fan when it turned out her biggest fan was a man nearly twice her age. Nothing's working out for Anthony Weiner these days.
The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country's great history and gets him beaten up at school every day.
Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, "You'll never have to work a day in your life."
Yesterday a pro football player for the Tennessee Titans saved a family from a burning car. Then, because he's an NFL player, he murdered them.
The show tonight may run a little longer than usual, and I'll tell you why. We have about 300 Anthony Weiner jokes to get through.
Let me just say this: You know that your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying "I told you there would be more lewd photos."
Weiner says he won't drop out of the race so that means by day he'll be Mr. Mayor, and by night he'll be "Carlos Danger, Gaucho of Love."
Carlos Danger — isn't that the guy from the Dos Equis commercials?
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, "They still have a van?"
These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.
The past 24 hours have been so exciting for my wife and I, and we haven't had a chance to respond to everyone's calls and messages, but let me just say, "Yes, William and Kate, we'll definitely set up a play date."
Everybody is still talking about the other baby, the royal baby. In fact, I saw that President Obama released a statement congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on the birth of their son. Then he said, “And whatever you do — hang on to that birth certificate.”
There's a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name “Carlos Danger.” Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner.
It was revealed that Anthony Weiner sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using a “Carlos Danger” Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, “You still use Yahoo?”