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Tuesday Jul 23 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably — for the next 80 years.

This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, “It's a really slow-moving line.”

William and Kate spent the morning thanking the hospital staff for all their care. And the other patients spent the morning trying to find the hospital staff. “My wife is having a baby too. Hello! Anybody?”

According to a new study, lying gets easier over time. People get better at lying the more they do it. See, that's why you have to have term limits.

Conan

The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire.

Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?

The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he's so rich that he's already dating a girl half his age.

President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy.

Late Show with David Letterman

Britain's new prince is third in line to the throne. And listen to this — my son is third in line for "The Late Show."

The young couple, William and Kate, would like it if we all would have consideration and respect for their privacy. Well, they're off to a good start, aren't they?

Buckingham Palace announced the child's gender. I wish they'd do the same with Camilla.

NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out the governor of New Jersey.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today we got our first look at the royal baby. Hurray for Kate and William. That little guy has only the tiniest tuft of hair on his head. And the baby's got some hair too.

The crowd outside the hospital was very respectful. You could actually hear the baby say, "Fetch me some milk" and "I will be king, Father."

Mayoral candidate Anthony Wiener had more photographs released from his sexting scandal. New Yorkers were so shocked that Eliot Spitzer fell off his hooker.

New Yorkers were so shocked that the thing on Trump's head fainted.

 
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