Thursday Jul 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Al-Qaida's No. 2 man in Yemen was killed this week by a drone strike. He was doing a cover shoot for Rolling Stone and they were able to pinpoint him.

Joe Biden said this week that he still dreams of being president. To which Hillary said, “Keep dreaming.”

A key prosecution witness in the racketeering and murder trial of Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger was found dead this week. Who could have seen that coming? What, a witness in a mob trial dead? Turned out the guy suffered an allergic reaction to a baseball bat.

Taxi companies in St. Louis are considering an additional charge for passengers who throw up in the car. If you vomit in the cab, it is going to cost you more. I have a better idea. How about a discount for the next guy who gets in the cab?


The royal baby is now past due. It was supposed to be born two days ago. So ladies and gentlemen, once again a member of the British royal family is avoiding labor.

In an interview about the New York elections, Eliot Spitzer, who you remember was caught frequenting prostitutes, described himself as a feminist. And Anthony Weiner described himself as a photographer.

It has come out that when Moammar Gadhafi's Libyan compound was raided back in 2011, someone stole his gold toilet brush. Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush.

A Utah senator proposed a bill that would no longer require kids to go to school. But then someone noticed that the senator was just three boys in a trench coat standing on top of each other's shoulders.

Late Show with David Letterman

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been in Gitmo for 10 years. They turned him lose on the computer and this guy is some sort of evil genius. He designed a brand-new vacuum cleaner. It keeps the fleas out of his beard.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has declared jihad on dirt.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a shoo-in for the Gitmo science fair.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Three million people watched the season premiere of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." The cast members say they're delighted. I think that's what they were saying. I don't actually understand what they're saying.

Last night's season premiere had a new cast member. It's me. I play Pierre, an exchange student from France. "Bonjour, Mademoiselle Boo Boo. Would you like some chardonnay with your squirrel?"

If you've never seen "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," it's like "Duck Dynasty" but with fewer ducks.

"Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" is like "Downton Abbey" but with fewer shoes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

We got nominated for an Emmy today! And you know what that means — time to iron my tuxedo T-shirt.

I want to congratulate the History Channel. Their 10-part miniseries “The Bible” was also nominated for an Emmy. It's going to be weird on the red carpet when Moses is like, “Is that Joan Rivers? I haven't seen you since high school.”

Congratulations to Charlie Sheen. He just welcomed a granddaughter this week. The nurse was like, "I hope you are ready to do some babysitting." And the baby was like, "Don't worry, I am."

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