Wednesday Jul 17 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Britain's parliament has passed a bill that would allow gay marriage. How about that? For the first time they are allowing gay marriage. If you thought royal weddings were big, just wait until the first gay royal wedding. Oh, my God. How fabulous will that be?

NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for temporary asylum in Russia. Apparently, he didn't want anyone to know, but somehow the story leaked out.

Researchers studying pictures of prehistoric cave drawings now theorize that most of the drawings were done by people under the influence of mind-altering drugs. Hence the term "stone age."

CBS is calling this week’s episode of “Big Brother” the most controversial episode in 15 seasons. This is “Big Brother's” 15th season. Seems like just yesterday I didn't watch the first five seasons.


Today the Queen said that she would like the royal baby to be born before she goes on vacation. Then someone reminded her she's more or less been on vacation since 1952.

The Pope said something crazy. The Pope is offering time off from purgatory for anyone who follows him on Twitter. He also said it's cool for Catholics to have premarital sex as long as they like his Facebook page.

It's been revealed that the iPhone will not autocorrect the word "marijuana." Yeah, that explains why the other night Snoop Dogg was delivered a package of marinara.

A former NFL player was arrested for leaving a toddler in his car while he went to a strip club. But today the NFL commissioner said, "I prefer to think of this as the story of a player who still has custody of his child and didn't murder anyone."

Late Show with David Letterman

Did you enjoy the baseball All-Star Game last night? A very exciting game. The first ball, of course, was thrown out by Florida juror B-37.

How about that Mariano Rivera? What a career this guy has had — participating in his final All-Star Game, retiring at the end of the season, going out at the top of his game. By God, you won't see me doing that.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden is living at the Moscow airport. He's been there for about a month. He's scorned with no home to call his own. No safe harbor. It's like being an old George Clooney girlfriend.

Edward Snowden's been at the airport close to two months. And here's how he stays in shape. He goes jogging every day on the baggage carousel.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, "YES!" And people in San Francisco are like, "Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you."

There was a guy caught on the Mexican border with $128,000 in his socks. The guy is kind of stupid, though. The Border Patrol asked, "Why did you stick all the money in your socks?" He said, "Because I'm using my rectum for drugs."

Kate Middleton is now four days overdue. Which means in just a few more days, the royal baby watch will surpass Gwyneth Paltrow as the most annoying thing in London.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Here's some big news out of England. Today, Queen Elizabeth officially legalized gay marriage in Britain. Or as she put it, “You know, it doesn't always have to be tea and crumpets. Sometimes it can just be two crumpets.”

Gay marriage is legal in the U.K. Which is why today, Camilla asked Prince Charles, "So I can take off this dress now?"

It turns out that today and tomorrow are the only two days of the entire year when there are no professional or college sports being played. So women are excited to finally get time with their boyfriends, while their boyfriends are excited to finally get time with their Xbox.

Today, the headquarters of the EPA was renamed in honor of Bill Clinton because of his dedication to protecting the environment. Or as Al Gore put it, “Are you kidding me? The environment? That's my thing.”

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