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Thursday Jul 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

America has lost the title of the fattest nation on earth. We are now only the second-fattest nation. We lost the title to Mexico. Isn't that amazing? We are so fat and lazy now that we're too fat and lazy to be number one at being fat and lazy.

According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it's not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.

The U.S. birthrate is at an all-time low. The birthrate is now so low that "The Maury Povich Show" may have to cut back to just half an hour.

Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they're talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?

Conan

President Obama's approval rating is down to 44 percent. You can tell Obama's getting desperate because today he gave a speech entitled "Hey, guys, the Twinkie is coming back next week."

DC Comics has released a new comic in which Superman kills someone. At the end of the comic book he's signed by the New England Patriots.

Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford signed a new contract paying him $76 million. They're paying him $62 million just to live in Detroit.

A recent study says the state that drinks the most beer is North Dakota. In fact, one night North Dakota got so drunk, it woke up next to West Virginia.

Late Show with David Letterman

George Clooney broke up with his girlfriend. I didn't see that coming.

George Clooney released a statement saying that yes, it's true that they're breaking up. George said he would like to spend more time with his next girlfriend.

This weekend the movie "Pacific Rim" opens. Ocean monsters come out of the sea so we must build huge robots and they battle to the death. I'm telling you, I haven't seen anything like this since last Friday!

It's the sea creatures versus the giant robots. It's from the original play by Noel Coward.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's the first day of Elvis Fest in Las Vegas. Today thousands of Elvis impersonators gather to swap stories, swivel their hips, and wave their adult diapers.

Psychologists say the cult of Elvis has all the makings of a future religion. It's possible in a few years there will be the Church of Elvis. At the end of the service, the congregation leader will say, "Elvis has left the building." And everybody will stand up and say, "Thank you, thank you very much."

Do you know that Elvis had 18 number one hits? They include "Jailhouse Rock", "Love Me Tender," and "Gangnam Style." I read that on Wikipedia.

Recently Paul McCartney visited Graceland. He left a guitar pick on Elvis Presley's headstone. He said it was so Elvis can play guitar in heaven. Don't they have guitar picks in heaven? Or is there a bunch of angels with their harps saying, "Oh, man, I wish the guy from Wings would leave us a pick somewhere."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Residents of northeast Colorado, which is much more rural than the rest of the state, don't think they're properly represented so they want to break the state into two pieces. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana. Everyone gets all paranoid and tries to secede.

The idea is to divide Colorado into two states, and they want to call the new state North Colorado. If you're going to go to the trouble of creating a new state, give it a cool name like Danger Zone, or Colorado 2: The Reckoning.

They have about as much chance of seceding from Colorado as Chucky has to secede from Cheese.

Paula Deen apparently is going to be in a comic book about female empowerment. I think the only thing she empowers women to do is kill their families with her recipes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that Americans are exercising more than ever but still not losing much weight. Not good — in fact, it's all I could think about on my jog to Dunkin’ Donuts.

Yesterday Google went down for over an hour in four different states. Or as Bing and Yahoo put it, “Well NOW how are we supposed to look up stuff?”

Political experts say that Eliot Spitzer's decision to return to politics could hurt Anthony Weiner's chances of becoming mayor. Or as Spitzer put it, "See? I'm making things better already."

 
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