According to a report from Pakistan, Osama bin Laden wore a big cowboy hat when he walked around his compound to shield him from being seen by U.S. drones. That's a good strategy. The Lone Ranger wears a cowboy hat, and nobody has seen him anywhere.
The new Lone Ranger movie is not doing well. I understand he's now asking for asylum in Venezuela.
According to Variety, "The Lone Ranger" could lose up to $157 million. You know how bad it's doing? Now even the producer is wearing a mask.
According to a U.N. study, 70 percent of Mexicans are overweight or obese. You know how bad it is? Today the Border Patrol pulled over a van and it was packed with two illegals.
A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a mop bucket. Critics are calling it the best thing Justin Bieber has ever released.
In a new interview, former President George W. Bush called the immigration system broken. And not just in this country. He said other countries also are filled with foreigners and we have to get them out.
Hostess is bringing back Twinkies next week. But employees are complaining about massive wage cuts. They're mad. A spokesperson for the employees said, "We can't tighten our belts. We eat Twinkies. It's impossible."
The United States is no longer the fattest country in the world. Please help us, Paula Deen.
We're no longer the fattest country in the world. That's why they're bringing back Twinkies.
The fattest people in the world now are Mexicans. And that's, of course, because they're all living here.
Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, "Is this about that speeding ticket?"
It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
It's July again, so the British better keep a close eye on Scotland.
A lot of celebrities live in the Bahamas. Sean Connery lived there after making "Thunderball." And Johnny Depp moved after making the "Pirates of the Caribbean." People are hoping again, only now it's that Gwyneth Paltrow never makes a film there.
Michael B. Jordan is on the show tonight. The "B" does not stand for basketball.
This morning, Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced that she is leaving "The View." She signed with the Houston Rockets.
One of the world's leading scientists said he believes the human species was probably created when pigs mated with chimps. And that is how we got "Jersey Shore."
So it turns out that men really ARE pigs. There is scientific evidence.
A store here in New York is selling popcorn that has been soaked in wine. Apparently, that's also how they’re getting people to sit through “The Lone Ranger.”
It's rumored that Ryan Seacrest is getting ready to host a new reality show on NBC called “Million Second Quiz.” Which sounds easy until you hear the question: “Name the last winner of 'American Idol.'”
President Obama told a group of kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, “Is Michelle gone? Cool, it's actually Skittles.”
Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, "Ours too!"