Tuesday Jul 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A new report from sociologists has discovered the number one cause of prison overcrowding — the NFL.

It's now 32 NFL players that have been arrested since the Super Bowl. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, now when a team says they've hired a new defensive coordinator, they're talking about a lawyer.

The latest NFL player to get arrested is New York Giants linebacker Dan Connor. He was arrested at the Philadelphia airport for carrying a switchblade. Experts say it’s the first time anyone in Philly has been able to stop a New York Giant in three years.

A lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, a man 55 years old, recently passed away and for his last request he wanted six Cleveland Browns as pallbearers so the Browns can let him down one last time. That’s what he said. The bad news? They fumbled the coffin five yards from the grave.


Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, "I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat."

Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world's fattest nation. The U.S. is now number two. The Mexican government has done a lot of research. It turns out their people eat way too much Mexican food.

In Pittsburgh a man was arrested at a Taylor Swift concert for holding a sign that says "Taylor Swift is with Satan." Swift got angry and said, "For the record, Satan and I broke up two months ago." She wrote a song about it.

Hostess Twinkies are coming back. Hostess has announced that the new Twinkies will have a longer shelf life. The CEO said, "Let me put it this way. Our goal is for Twinkies to outlast people who eat Twinkies."

Late Show with David Letterman

You can sure tell it's summer. The temperature is warmer, days are longer, and George Clooney's girlfriend is gone.

George Clooney and his girlfriend split up. We know how that works. The crown will be passed to the new girlfriend and she will reign for a year.

Clooney's old girlfriend was granted asylum in Venezuela.

It turns out the Pakistan police pulled Osama bin Laden over for speeding. Pulled him over and wrote the guy a ticket. So listen. I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden, OK?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Kim Kardashian says her post-baby workout plan is coming along well. Kim's already lost a bunch of weight with a simple technique. Everywhere she walks, she takes two dumbbells. Their names are Kourtney and Khloe.

Happy birthday to Courtney Love and John Tesh. Courtney Love and John Tesh are very different, of course. One's a hot mess whose beauty shines through from underneath the hard drug use. And the other one's Courtney Love.

Do you know who else has a birthday today? Donkey Kong. Playing Donkey Kong is harder than figuring what NBC is doing in late night.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that Mexico has passed the U.S. as the most obese country in the world. It doesn't mean we got skinnier. It just means they're fatter than us. But don't worry — Twinkies are coming back next week, so we should be fine.

Political experts are saying Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they'd definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still.

President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name — it’s called headlights.

Barnes & Noble CEO William Lynch just announced that he is stepping down after three years. When asked if he's looking for a new job, he was like, "Nah, just browsing."

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