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Tuesday Jun 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In a new interview, Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!

Nestlé has launched a new premium water called "Resource." They say it is made specifically for a woman who is a little on the trendy side and the higher income side. "Resource" sounds so much better than tap water for women who are really rich and stupid.

Have you seen the ads for Endure, a cool towel? They show people sitting in the sun with the thing around their neck, rubbing their faces in it. In each ad they say the towel uses a proprietary fabric technology that activates when wet to cool a person off. So in other words, it's a towel! All towels do that.

"Man of Steel" is the No. 1 movie. I love how cool Superman's parents were. They knew he was different, but they downplayed it. They didn't want him to be treated special. Imagine if Superman was a kid today. His parents would drag him to school, saying "Our Clark has a kryptonite allergy. He'll need special meals."

Late Show with David Letterman

This story comes up about twice a year. They think they have located the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the former Teamsters union leader, after 40 years of being dead. Nothing on the NSA whistle-blower, but we think we know where Jimmy Hoffa is.

The cops in Michigan are digging up a field to find Jimmy Hoffa. We'll let you know just as soon as they find nothing.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made "Death to America" a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn't believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America.

This Rohani guy has promised that he will boldly lead Iran into the 14th century.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Earlier tonight was the big season finale of "The Voice." It was so exciting. I'm glad that guy or girl won.

Congratulations, winner of "The Voice." That's right, whoever you are. I'm sure this year's winner will turn out to be just as big as last year's winner — Cassidy Pope.

That's who won last year, Cassidy Pope. I've never heard his or her music. Maybe it's good. But Cassidy Pope sounds like a TV show about a cowboy who rides into the Vatican, becomes Pope, and solves crimes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Senate’s new immigration bill is apparently more than a thousand pages long and weighs 24 pounds. Some critics say the bill is too long for the average American to read before it's approved, while some senators are saying that's the point.

The immigration bill is more than a thousand pages long. That doesn’t sound like an immigration bill. That sounds like a menu at The Cheesecake Factory.

A new study found that volunteering can actually reduce the risk of heart problems. Which would be awesome news if it didn't also reduce the risk of having a fun Saturday.

Dunkin' Donuts is redesigning its stores so that customers will want to sit down and relax — because if there's one thing that goes through my mind when I see Dunkin’ Donuts customers, it's, “These people need to move around LESS.”

 
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