Monday Jun 17 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Father’s Day congratulations to Kanye West, who is a new father. Kim Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. Kim was in labor for six hours, thus marking the first time the words Kardashian and labor have ever been used together in the same sentence.

The doctor said when he slapped Kim's baby, he regretted that he couldn't slap the entire family.

Kim says she wants to keep the baby out of the public eye. In fact, the E! network is developing a new show called, "Keeping the Baby Out of the Public Eye With the Kardashians."

This day marks the 42nd anniversary of the war on drugs. Today our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by hours of laughter.

Late Show with David Letterman

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are parents of a baby girl. Does it have any chance at a normal life? Here's what they should do. They should put her in a rocket and launch her to another planet, and hope she's discovered by Ma and Pa Kent.

The new Superman movie, "Man of Steel," is a different look at Superman. It's about Superman's struggles as a guy. I guess we all knew this, but I didn't realize how tough it was — he's kryptonite intolerant.

Do you remember the evil dictator of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? They had elections and he's out. And you thought Ahmadinejad was in a bad mah-mood before. He's really in a bad mah-mood now.

Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can't find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby girl, or as they call it, a spin-off. The birth was witnessed by friends, family, and 150 cameramen.

Scientists say that by the year 2045 we can all be immortal. It involves putting your brain into a robot. But why do we need to figure out how we will live forever? Can't we just ask Larry King?

This immortality technology sounds like a contemporary search for the Fountain of Youth. Ponce de Léon, the Spanish explorer, searched for the Fountain of Youth in the 16th century. Nobody knows if he ever found it, but he died in 1521. So I'm guessing no.

Scientists say the key to preserving immortality is the brain. Just my luck. The one part of my body I need to preserve is the one I spent my youth actively destroying.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West welcomed their new baby girl. Yeah, today I saw Kanye wearing a shirt that says “World’s Greatest Dad.” He didn't get it as a gift. He just bought it for himself.

Kim says that she's just glad the baby is healthy, happy, and was born before Kate Middleton's baby.

During an interview, a UFC fighter referred to LeBron James as a dork. When he heard that, LeBron said, “Would a dork wear a headband, a shirt tucked into his shorts, and knee-high socks?”

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