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Wednesday Jun 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.

There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? "Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security."

Kevin Hart is on the program today. He has a new concert film called "Let Me Explain." President Obama's new slogan is also "Let Me Explain."

In a recent interview, 68-year-old Mick Jagger revealed his secret to looking young. Do you know what it is? Stand next to Keith Richards.

Conan

Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book "1984" have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read.

Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you'll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.

It's come out that the summer interns at Google make about $6,000 per month. The news was reported to me by the interns at this show.

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry — doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues.

Late Show with David Letterman

Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when Chris Humphries heard that, he said, "You can do that, really?"

So far, it's a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive.

You know who's popular now? George W. Bush. According to recent polls George W. Bush is more popular than not popular. So there's still hope for me.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for Mick Jagger. But then, what day isn't?

Mick Jagger says he's been doing ballet for years to stay in shape. He says he has a 28-inch waist. He's the only man in the world with a waist smaller than his mouth.

I said Mick Jagger has a big mouth. Heck, I think Ed Sullivan was doing that joke.

We shouldn't be surprised Mick Jagger's into ballet. Next we'll find out that Bono is into Riverdance.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It's great to have a guest who's so passionate about food. And it's an honor to have Mario Batali here as well.

In a recent interview, Kanye West compared himself to Steve Jobs. He called himself the “nucleus of culture,” and also said he was the Michael Jordan of music. I don't know if he's the Michael Jordan of music, but he's definitely the Dennis Rodman of crazy talk.

This week, Apple introduced a new laptop that supposedly has an all-day battery. Yeah, here’s how it works — don’t turn on your laptop all day.

There’s talk that boy band One Direction is trying to win over Justin Bieber’s fans who aren’t happy with Bieber’s recent behavior. Those guys from One Direction better be careful, or this could result in the world's most adorable fistfight.

 
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