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Tuesday Jun 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he’s associated with the word “patriot,” and he’s being audited by the IRS.

Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in.

The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He's also a moron.

President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that's a debate we wouldn't have had five years ago. Five years ago? It's a debate we wouldn't have had two weeks ago if they all hadn't gotten caught.

Conan

According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them.

House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed.

Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it's the goodest news they have heard all year.

The new PlayStation 4 is going to allow gamers to record their gaming and share it with friends. All the gamers would need is an Internet connection and friends.

Late Show with David Letterman

The New England Patriots are giving Tim Tebow a job. So it looks like Tebow will be playing in New England. Let me rephrase that. It looks like Tim Tebow will BE in New England. The Patriots were able to lure him with a brand-new state-of-the-art bench.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?

I don't know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.

Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don't care. It's like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it's just like being married.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Mel Gibson is in talks to play a bad guy in the next "Expendables" movie. He's a fiendish villain with Nazi tendencies. I don't know what he'll play in the movie.

Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell.

With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, "Are you happy with the decisions you're making"? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The New England Patriots signed Tim Tebow. Apparently they needed a virgin to sacrifice to the football gods. Tim Tebow fit the bill perfectly.

In March, Forbes magazine put out their annual list of the world's richest people, and one of the people was a Saudi Arabian prince, and he is furious about it. Forbes estimated his net worth at around $20 billion, and he claims he is worth $30 billion, so now he is suing Forbes. I love the premise: Say I'm more rich or I'll sue you.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that the New England Patriots have signed quarterback Tim Tebow, just weeks after he was released by the Jets. When asked how he’ll adjust to getting booed by Jets fans, Tebow said, “What do you mean ‘adjust to’?”

Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, “Hillary in 2016!” and “Washington needs Hillary!” and “Hillary for the White House!” That's not her followers. Those were her tweets.

Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, "How do you block people on this thing?"

A new six-hour special about the '90s is set to air on The Discovery Channel. Yep, a show with people who were big in the '90s — or as that's also called, “Dancing With the Stars.”

 
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