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Wednesday Jul 22 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Conan

Big week for NASA. Despite all the publicity about the moon landing, a recent survey finds that only 29 percent of Americans support NASA sending a manned mission to Mars. Of course, that figure goes up to 90 percent if that man is Spencer Pratt.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki visited President Obama today. He says that when President Bush was in office they used to have a meeting once a week via videoconference. Maliki said the teleconferences always ended the same way, with Bush throwing his joystick down and yelling, “this game is boring!”

Yesterday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was in India, and today there was a total eclipse of the sun. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, “If there’s one thing Hillary is good at, it’s making the light go out of your life.”

General Motors just announced that they have created a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne’s slogan is, "Smell Like You Owe the Federal Government $10 billion dollars."

Late Show with David Letterman

Today from my office window, I watched guys putting in trees right in the middle of Broadway. Planting trees — it used to be a street. How long before they’re stolen?

The economy is terrible. I mean, because of the economy, the murder rate is down. Who can afford ammo?

Sad news from Iran: Iran’s vice president to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has resigned. His main job was attending funerals. With Ahmadinejad in charge, that’s a full-time gig.

He resigned — which is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions On The Surgeon General Application

10. Are you a surgeon?
9. Can you grow a crazy beard like C. Everett Koop?
8. Are you a general?
7. Any idea what a Surgeon General is supposed to do?
6. Do you have a normal-looking pair of jeans the president could borrow?
5. Have you ever obtained pills for Rush Limbaugh?
4. McDreamy or McSteamy?
3. Due to the recession, do you mind working for free?
2. Can we blame the healthcare crisis on you?
1. Will you look the other way when the president lights up a butt?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Amy Winehouse is going to release a perfume. You put a little behind your ears . . . in your crack pipe . . .

Who would spend money to smell like Amy Winehouse?!? If you want to smell like Amy Winehouse, go and live in a dumpster for a week. It’s free!

The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions like, Who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama held another press conference earlier, pre-empting all the major networks. He does this every week now — it’s time for Oprah to give him a show.

The White house actually rescheduled the president; they moved him up an hour because NBC complained it would interfere with “America’s Got Talent.” So the president moved his press conference because of a show David Hasselhoff is on.

The focus was on the national healthcare plan working its way through Congress. He needed to make a strong case for because polls show Americans are pretty much evenly divided on universal healthcare. Fifty percent are for it and the other 50 percent have health insurance already.

Republicans are strongly against it, but the president has a unique way of reaching out to them — he has offered a key provision that would provide breast implants for their girlfriends.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Michelle Obama just got a new haircut. It's the first real cut of the Obama administration.

Dr. Regina Benjamin, President Obama's pick for surgeon general, is facing criticism for being overweight. I don't know if Dr. Benjamin's weight should be an issue, but her food pyramid does call for 3 to 5 daily servings of McRibs.

Over 125,000 people are expected to attend Comic-Con which begins tomorrow in San Diego. It’s the biggest virgin — I'm sorry, comic book convention in the world.

Sports reporter Erin Andrews was secretly videotaped undressing in her hotel room. The video was posted online. I think I speak for everyone when I say, Thank God this didn't happen to John Madden.

 
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