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Thursday Jun 06 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.

When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us.

Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn't either. Sometimes it just happens.

A judge has finalized the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce — thus clearing the way for Kim to become an unwed mother. Kim revealed she's having a baby girl. If you're looking to get her a gift, we could all chip in and pay for her next 20 years of therapy.

Conan

The 84-year-old woman who won the half-billion-dollar Powerball lottery asked for it to be given in a lump sum. Then she said, "Actually, can I get that in the next hour?"

It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, "The friends and family and Obama plan."

Toyota has recalled over 200,000 Priuses. Apparently there was a problem with the engine that prevented the drivers from acting smug.

A rapper has been arrested for allegedly stabbing an NFL player. The rapper's being charged with impersonating an NFL player.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's not a good day if you value your privacy, which of course I do because I do this show.

This is a great way to keep yourself nice and private — being on CBS in the middle of the night.

The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, "rough week, huh?"

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, "You hang up first." Then my wife said, "No, YOU hang up first!" Then Obama said, "Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?"

The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon's new ad campaign: “They can hear you now.”

Action star Steven Seagal is close to signing a deal to promote Russia’s arms industry. Or in simpler terms, Steven Seagal has become a villain from a Steven Seagal movie.

Steven Seagal will promote Russia’s arms industry. In fact, Seagal has a lot in common with Russia: He’s big, intimidating, and something America hasn’t thought about since the '80s.

 
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