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Wednesday Jun 05 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.

The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they're not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn't keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, “Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts.”

President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don't we already have that? It's called the First Amendment.

A new study says 20 percent of women in their 40s would describe themselves as very happy. However, only 1 percent of women in their 40s would describe themselves as a woman in her 40s.

Conan

An 84-year-old woman from Florida has come forward as the winner of the $590 million Powerball lottery. The 84-year-old would have come out sooner, but the last two weeks she has been driving home from the store where she bought the ticket.

Google has banned a pornography app for its new Google Glass. A Google spokesman said, "We're a principled company. If you want to look at smut and filth, you'll just have to look at our website."

Domino's Pizza has released a YouTube video of the company delivering pizza by a drone. This is shocking — showing something that kills innocent civilians every day getting delivered by a drone.

Late Show with David Letterman

Domino's Pizza leads the way in delivering pizzas. Guess what they're now using? Drones! Unmanned drones delivering your pizza pie — what could possibly go wrong?

When I used to order a pizza it would come in an old Toyota. The guy showing up would be an undocumented guy in a Toyota. What was wrong with that?

Today the air space over New York City was closed for four hours. It was because on the radar they picked up one of those pizza drones headed to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's house. They scrambled some fighter jets.

More black eyes for baseball due to performance-enhancing drugs. Guys would go to an anti-aging clinic in Florida and get juiced up and then come back and play baseball. Among these players is Alex Rodriguez, who could be suspended for 100 games. A-Rod was accused, singled out. Out of habit, Lance Armstrong issued a denial.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Did you see the country music awards earlier tonight? I haven't seen them yet because we're live. So don't tell me if the guy with the hat and big belt buckle won. He is my favorite, especially when he sings that song about things going wrong.

The country music awards gave a lifetime achievement award to whiskey for contributions to country music.

At the country music awards, no one goes home empty-handed. The winners get trophies. The losers have something to write their next song about.

There were rumors that Taylor Swift was going to make an appearance in something shocking — like a stable relationship.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There are reports that Major League Baseball is planning to suspend 20 players, including A-Rod, for using performance-enhancing drugs. Which raises a lot of questions, like, “Don't you have to be playing to be suspended from playing?”

Google announced that it is buying a wind farm in Sweden. And not to be outdone, Bing is buying an oscillating fan off of Craigslist.

The price of courtside tickets at tomorrow's NBA Finals is $17,000. Or as LeBron's teammates put it, "We get to watch it for free!"

 
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