Thursday Jul 23 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


Political experts are now saying that President Obama is giving so many interviews and appearing on so many television shows that he’s starting to dilute his own message. Which is unfair because I thought Obama was pretty convincing last night on “Ice Road Truckers.”

Last night, President Obama gave his health care speech, which drew almost 20 million viewers. These days, the only way you can get 20 million people to tune into a show is to beat Spencer Pratt to death with a naked Megan Fox.

War of words between Hillary Clinton and North Korea. Earlier this week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that North Koreans were acting like children, and yesterday, a spokesman for North Korea said Hillary was acting “like a school girl.” Is it me or is it obvious that these two like each other?

The government is warning that substantial amounts of marijuana are now being grown on federal park lands. They noticed the problem when large groups of bears started following the Dave Matthews Band.

Late Show with David Letterman

Big scandal in New Jersey. Two mayors, a councilman, and 30 other people were arrested on corruption charges. Here’s what I say: “Big deal — call me when they start talking about hookers.”

They’re not going to make any more phone books. And I’m worried — at dinner, Mayor Bloomberg will now have to sit on his money.

I’ve always hated the Yellow Pages, and here’s why: The girl that always shows up is never the girl in the ad.

When John McCain was running for president, he needed a date so he got the governor of Alaska. Well, they didn’t win, and the governor of Alaska has quit. She leaves office this Sunday. Next stop — LensCrafters commercials.

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises In The President Obama News Conference

10. Began with a moment of silence for the Taco Bell Chihuahua
9. Vice President Biden stepped up to the podium pleadng for "hair plug reform"
8. Put on Kiss makeup and sang "Dr. Love"
7. MSNBC reporter tried to hug him so Obama went after him with a fire extinguisher
6. Wore his skinny jeans
5. His 10-minute infomercial for the Slap Chop
4. Claimed he's borrowing $1 trillion from Regis
3. Told everyone to watch "Men and Their Vegetables," Friday on the "Late Show"
2. In one hour, he went through two packs of Camels
1. Said he's resigning to run for governor of Alaska
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Comic-Con convention is going on in California. It’s not just comics there, though; big movie studios go to preview new movies. It’s not just geeks anymore, it’s nerds, dorks, and dweebs . . .

Being a geek is actually cool now. So you won’t be hearing me make jokes about comics and science fiction and virginity.

Without geeks we’d still be playing Pong on the computer.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama called a press conference for his healthcare plan to get lawmakers onboard before the August recess, which is when both houses of Congress traditionally take a one month break to visit their girlfriends in South America.

The plan is being held up by a group of conservatives-leaning democrats called blue dogs. Blue because they’re from blue states, dogs because they roll over for the healthcare lobby.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced the state will hold a garage sale next month and sell cars and office supplies . . . he’s even said he’d autograph some of the items. He has an ad: “It’s Arnold’s California Gold Rush Garage Sale! Everything must go! Staplers . . hasta la vista, baby. Post-It notes . . . slightly burned dumbbells . . .”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Did you see Obama’s press conference on healthcare last night? It was very interesting. He said if a patient is choosing between a red pill and a blue pill that both work, go with the cheaper pill. Obama got that advice from his new surgeon general — Keanu Reeves.

Finally some good economic news today: Ford announced they made a profit of 2.3 billion dollars over the last three months. I think it’s because people responded to their new slogan: “Ford: We’re not General Motors.”

In an interview in Thailand yesterday, Hillary Clinton said she was asked if she still wanted to be president. Hillary said, nodding yes, “No, no . . . that’s not something I ever think about.”

New research shows that the average adult forgets three things each day. The most common are Internet passwords, charging cell phones, and . . . something else, I forget.

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