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Thursday May 23 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.

It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, "Yes, we can" to "No, I can't remember."

The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRA. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRA scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.

Conan

It's coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl's yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, "What do we have to do?"

In Pennsylvania, a couple stabbed each other in an argument over who should win "American Idol." At last we finally know why "American Idol" is losing so many viewers. They're killing each other.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Time magazine published President Obama's prom photos. He's with friends and their dates. Those girls in Kenya are very good looking.

Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church.

It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there.

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants — that's OK?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Time magazine just released a picture of a 17-year-old President Obama with his prom date. They would've published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but his mom didn't want to be photographed.

Amtrak trains may soon have special cars where passengers can sit with their pets. Though it'll be awkward when you try to talk to your cat and he just slips on his headphones.

Justin Bieber is apparently making guests at his parties sign a contract promising not to post pictures of it on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. When they heard that, MySpace was like, "We're back, baby!"

A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie.

 
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