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Thursday May 16 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.

President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they're called "acting commissioner" because you have to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House.

A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he's no longer being compared to President Carter.

It has not been a good week for President Obama. You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.

Conan

Chinese authorities recently arrested over 900 people for selling counterfeit mink. China warned the U.S. that the meat's being sold under the name "Arby's."

JC Penny has a new ad out. It thanks customers for coming back to them. And then the customers explained they're coming back to return crap from JC Penny.

Earlier this week it was announced that Barbara Walters is stepping down. Footage just surfaced from 1962 of the young Barbara as an undercover Playboy Bunny. You can tell it was Barbara because she keeps asking men if they want their drink "on the wocks."

According to a new survey, 42 percent of Americans have an unfavorable view of hipsters. When they heard this, hipsters said, "Big deal, we had an unfavorable view of ourselves way before you."

Late Show with David Letterman

Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi — and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner.

I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating like President Obama at a press conference.

That last joke has been seized by the Department of Justice.

You can now get breakfast at Taco Bell. They have a breakfast waffle taco. You get your scrambled egg, and your sausage covered with maple syrup, all wrapped in a waffle taco. And it also comes with lap-band surgery.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It's Bernie Madoff.

"American Idol" is in trouble in the ratings these days. They are down 40 percent since last year. This season, "American Idol" was beaten by "Duck Dynasty" in the ratings. You know, the show with two dudes sitting in a tree saying, "That a duck?" "No, looks more like a quail."

"Duck Dynasty" is like "Honey Boo Boo" if you replaced the little girl with a duck.

I wonder who they will get to judge "American Idol" next year? Probably people once at the top of their fields, but now with a lot of time on their hands. So maybe the old Pope. I think Pope Classic and Jay Leno would be good judges.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A 7-year-old boy wrote a letter to the vice president. He wrote: "I think guns should shoot chocolate bullets so no one will get killed and no one will be sad." Guns that shoot chocolate bullets would be a great way to liven up an Easter egg hunt, wouldn't it?

The sad part is that's the first letter Joe Biden has received since he took office.

Tonight is the much-anticipated release of the new "Star Trek" movie. It's expected to make $100 million this weekend. That's a lot, but imagine how much it would make if the people buying tickets were going with dates.

Most "Star Trek" fans are men, or a reasonable facsimile.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the finale of the lowest-rated season in "American Idol" history. You could tell the show was in trouble when they said, "The winner is what's-her-face."

Eagles' offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, "Audit this!" Or as the IRS said, "OK, see you tomorrow at noon."

This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, "Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?"

 
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