Tuesday May 14 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don't have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up.

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit.

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, "Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation." Yeah, "Mistakes were made" — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit.

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with.

OJ Simpson is back in court. He's gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife.

Remember: If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big novel out today. If you don't know, a novel is like a blog except it is on paper and it's all stuff that's made up. It's like CNN but it's written down.

The novel is called "Inferno." In "Inferno" it turns out that the epic poem "Dante's Inferno" is a set of clues. In "Dante's Inferno," Satan isn't red and he doesn't have a tail or pitchfork. But that makes sense. Why does Satan need a pitchfork? Is he doing a lot of farming down there?

The classic red-pitchfork devil didn't appear until the 17th century, in John Milton's "Paradise Lost." I know what you're thinking: "Oh, here we go. Another late-night talk show host going on about Elizabethan poets."

Didn't Jay Leno get fired for doing that bit about Milton's "Epitaphium Damonis"?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice.

The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, "We'll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter.

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team's long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads.

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, "Eh, it's not the end of the world."

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