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Monday May 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that.

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back.

Barbara Walters announced her retirement today. Good, I'll have somebody to hang out with next year.

A Tampa taco restaurant has pulled lion meat tacos from the menu due to protests from animal rights activists. However, lions announced today they will continue eating humans whenever they get the chance.

Late Show with David Letterman

Barbara Walters is retiring. It was her own decision. She was not forced out, like Regis.

ABC is already looking for a woman named Jimmy to fill Barbara Walters' shoes.

O.J. Simpson is back in court today. He's trying to get himself a new trial. He was tossed into prison for a long time for stealing his own sports memorabilia. Double homicide, nothing. Stealing sports memorabilia, 30 years to life.

O.J. is trying to get a new trial. His lawyer said, "Look, O.J., we've been through this before. It's a long shot. And O.J. said, "You know what? I think I'll take a stab at it."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It's an emotional day at "The View." Barbara Walters told her cast mates she is going to retire. The women were crying, shrieking, and talking over each other. Then Barbara announced she is going to retire.

It was a very hot day here in L.A. It was so hot that "The Tonight Show" moved to New York just for the weather.

It was so hot that people in Beverly Hills actually drank tap water.

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it's just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, “Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights."

Wildlife experts are warning that giant, disease-carrying snails have been found in Texas. So if you see one, make sure you immediately saunter away from it at whatever speed you like.

On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. It got even more annoying when another truck came along and spilled two less buns.

 
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