Friday Jul 24 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


Yesterday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game and afterwards, he had a five-minute phone conversation with President Obama. Meanwhile, the losing pitcher got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden.

Today President Obama spoke to the Massachusetts police officer who arrested the black Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. Obama says the conversation went well, but there was an awkward moment when the cop arrested Obama.

The government is warning that substantial amounts of marijuana are being grown on United States public land. It’s gotten so bad, now every 90 minutes Old Faithful erupts in giggles.

Big news from China: After 30 years of enforcing a “one-couple-one-child” policy, Chinese officials have started encouraging couples to have a second child. Officials say it doesn’t matter if the second child is a boy or a girl, as long as it’s a boy.

Late Show with David Letterman

Bernie Madoff swindled everyone. Here’s the irony of it: He’s in prison sweeping floors for 14 cents a day . . . that’s not as much as it sounds.

He makes 14 cents a day. But to be fair, 8 cents of that goes to Obama’s new healthcare plan.

He’s in a medium-security prison for 150 years. Authorities say don’t worry, they check on him twice a day. Too bad the FEC didn’t do that.

A gun manufacturer is putting a cup holder on a shotgun. They’re calling it the “Dick Cheney.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard At Sarah Palin's Farewell Party

10. "More tiny hot dog appetizers? You betcha"
9. "Don't forget to schedule an appointment with Joe the Mover"
8. "Quiet down! We don't want to wake the Russians"
7. "Todd, I've always wanted to know — what do you do exactly?"
6. "John McCain passed out in the dip"
5. "Where can I check my pelt?"
4. "Bad news — the new governor just quit"
3. "Please accept this gift from all of us at LensCrafters"
2. "'Dancing with the Stars' called, they got your resume"
1. "I haven't seen you since the 'Fire Dave Letterman' Rally"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Not a good week for Hillary Clinton. The North Korean government lashed out at her saying she looks like a school girl. Bill Clinton responded with, “I wish.”

Two new Mozart symphonies were discovered this week. Two! Here’s what’s weird: One of them was a duet with Tupac.

“G-Force” opens today. It’s a movie about guinea pigs that work as spies for the government. Can you imagine the White House employing a house pet with big teeth for a government job? Apart from Joe Biden, I mean . . .

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There’s a group of people who do not believe Barack Obama was born in the United States, and therefore should not be president. They’re called “birthers.” Are they aware that Joe Biden would be the president if Obama steps down?

They believe he was born in Kenya instead of Hawaii. I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.

This makes no sense. If Barack Obama was born in Kenya, Madonna would have adopted him by now.

Sarah Palin has resigned as governor of Alaska. This leaves us completely unprotected from the Russians.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

On “Nightline” President Obama said that since becoming president, he’s gone from praying only before bed to praying all the time. And it’s always the same prayer: “God, please don’t let Joe Biden say something stupid today.”

The ratings for President Obama’s press conference Wednesday night were down 14 percent from his last one. To try to boost ratings for his next press conference, they're having his cousin Oliver move into the White House.

Three mayors in New Jersey were arrested yesterday in a huge money laundering scheme. Investigators knew something didn’t smell right . . . aside from what normally doesn’t smell right in New Jersey.

This August, President Obama is renting a vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard. It’s amazing . . . it has a basketball court, swimming pool, apple orchard, and driving range. The president says he can't wait to shoot hoops, while Michelle looks forward to pulling apple trees out of the ground with her bare hands.

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