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Thursday May 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

On Mother's Day, Hooters is giving away free wings to all mothers who come in. Eating lunch with your mom at Hooters — I guess some guys never get tired of their moms saying, "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?

The Dodgers lost again last night. What is that, seven in a row? Their payroll is $239 million and they are in last place. They’re like NBC with baseball bats.

According to researchers, people in the 25-to-35 age group are now experiencing mid-life crises. Who thinks the best years of their lives are behind them at the age of 25? Besides the cast of "Jersey Shore," of course.

Conan

Hooter's is letting mothers eat for free on Mother's Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perve?

Long John Silver's has just hired a new executive to revamp their menu. For starters, he said they're going to start experimenting with something called fish.

Taco Bell has announced they're introducing a new $1 cravings menu. Here's how it works. You pay $1, you eat the food, and then you crave a toilet.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow's got a better chance of passing.

NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane.

I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark.

Mars is a frontier. It's wide open. Listen to this. There is only one late-night talk show on Mars. That's how primitive things are on Mars.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Not a great day for Sir Paul McCartney. During a concert in Brazil, he got attacked by a swarm of grasshoppers. That's a very unusual thing to have happen to you. But it didn't faze him at all. He just thought he was having an acid flashback.

Yesterday police arrested 31 people involved in that big jewel heist in Belgium. That's a lot of people. Now $50 million worth of jewels sounds like a lot, but split 31 ways, it hardly seems worth the effort.

One of the jewel thieves they captured yesterday was also a lawyer. That is a shame. Now lawyers will get a bad reputation.

Imagine being a jewel thief by night and a lawyer by day. You go from one job taking all that money and wrecking people's lives, and then onto being a jewel thief.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Mother's Day is on Sunday. Americans will spend between $17 billion and $20 billion on Mother's Day. The average spending is about $169 per mom — which is the reason NBA players need so much money.

A giant African land snail was found. Authorities are worried there could be more. They can chew through stucco, and they carry potentially deadly meningitis. So far the snails have been found in Florida, Texas, and in the meatballs at IKEA.

The snails have no natural predators. In fact, city officials are considering bringing in giant French people to eat them.

If you're in Houston and you see a giant snail coming toward you, walk slowly for your life.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200.

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience.

A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they’re not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone.

A new iPhone app can actually figure out how happy users are. Although if you need to download an app to tell you if you're happy, you're not.

 
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