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Wednesday May 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in.

Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America.

New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?

According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green.

Conan

In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that WAS Nancy Pelosi.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, "I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with."

According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady.

Late Show with David Letterman

Do you know what cicadas are? Every 17 years they come up out of the ground and then they attack everything. This year they're expecting a trillion cicadas. Mayor Bloomberg is advising New Yorkers to move their marijuana plants indoors.

The cicadas are back after 17 years, but they don't have their original drummer.

Domino's now has a thing where you go to your computer and you can watch them making the pizza. I liked it better when they just left that to the imagination.

Tom Hanks was voted the most trusted man in the United States. I was on the list but a little farther down. I was between Reese Witherspoon and Maury Povich.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A volcano in Alaska has been erupting for about five days. Alaska is a huge state. It's so vast, white, and frozen, that the early settlers gave it the nickname "Nicole Kidman's forehead."

They have some weird laws in Alaska. This is true. It is against the law in Alaska to awaken a sleeping bear. Who's going to break that law? "I've had a couple of drinks. I'm going to wake a sleeping bear."

All this volcanic ash over Alaska can cause big problems. We're all worried about one thing: ash drifting into Canada and disrupting the hockey playoffs.

Volcanic ash can really mess with airplanes. And we can't let this volcano disrupt our air travel. That's the government's job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Former NBA player Dennis Rodman has asked North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to release American prisoner Kenneth Bay. Rodman said, "I'm calling for Kim to do me a solid" and release Kenneth Bay." How do you think the Koreans will translate "do me a solid?"

I'm sure Kenneth Bay would be thrilled to hear that Dennis Rodman is on his case.

Wouldn't it be something if it worked? How many can say they were saved from a North Korean prison camp by Dennis Rodman? Three, four. Eight, maybe.

Why do I feel this somehow ends with Michael Jordan being forced to fly to Pyongyang to sign the "Space Jam" poster hanging over Kim Jong Un's bed to prevent nuclear Armageddon?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware.

This Sunday is Mother's Day. That means you have four days to pick out the perfect gift before just buying flowers on the way to brunch.

Actually, a new survey found out the average American will spend $168 on Mother's Day this year. For any woman who's been through labor for a day and a half, remember, it pays exactly $168.

A movie version of "Dungeons and Dragons" is in the works. It's expected to set all-time records for people saying, "Ticket for one, please."

 
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