Tuesday May 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled.

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses.

Lindsay Lohan has checked into the Betty Ford Center. Celebrities who have been treated at Betty Ford swear by the place. In fact, they return again and again and again.

The Rolling Stones played the Staples Center here. They are on their big Centrum Silver tour. Tickets went for as much $650. And that's minus the Medicare deductible.


New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.

Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I'll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction.

A Texas man has fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question: Don't you think a gun created by a printer would jam?

A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it's the fault of women who wear revealing clothes. So yet another setback for the Tehran Hooters.

Late Show with David Letterman

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won't be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, "Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code."

Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol.

Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They're like Martha Stewart.

The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, "Well, that would be great if I had a job."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, "Which one of you is Schwarzenegger's kid?" And 50 people raised their hands.

Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones played here at the Staples Center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats. I guess if people wanted go to the Staples Center to see old guys shuffling around way past their prime, they'd just go see the Lakers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately.

If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He's the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever.

Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea's “Iron Lady.” Or as Biden put it, "Can you introduce me to Iron Man?”

Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea.

Mayor Bloomberg announced that large sections of New York City will get free Wi-Fi by the end of the year. Bloomberg says he's excited to bring a new service to New Yorkers. New Yorkers say they're excited to complain about it the moment it goes down.

Last night’s episode of “Dancing With the Stars” had the worst ratings in the history of the show. You can tell "Dancing with the Stars" is struggling because it was just named a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars."

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