Friday May 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

You people sound like you’re all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves.

It is wildfire season here in Southern California; there’s a big wildfire about 20 miles from the studio. They are calling it the Lindsay Lohan fire. It’s not as hot as it used to be, but it’s still way out of control.

You ever notice that all these rehab facilities have names like Next Steps, Morningside, and Promises? Lindsay Lohan needs a place called Miracles.

It was so hot today in Burbank that Reese Witherspoon was sitting in a cop car just for the air conditioning.

Late Show with David Letterman

This weekend, on Saturday, is the Kentucky Derby. I think it's held in one of the Southern states.

This year will be the first time they have an openly gay horse.

It's a beautiful day here in New York. It was so beautiful, so sunny in New York City today that people were actually walking up to Iron Man and saying, "Aren't you hot in that thing?"

Iron Man is older now. He started out in the prime of life, and in "Iron Man 2" he got a little older, and now in "Iron Man 3" he actually has to take an iron supplement.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

"Iron Man 3" opened today. In this one, Iron Man goes up against his most dangerous enemy yet: rust.

I like the fact that Iron Man doesn't keep his identity a secret. Everyone knows he's Tony Stark. So he's free to be himself. He won't let a uniform hide who he truly is. Like the NBA's Jason Collins.

Iron Man, of course, is played by Robert Downey Jr. He is fantastic. But he's saying that this will be the last time he plays Iron Man. That's Hollywood code for, "Hey movie studio. Pony up."

Robert Downey Jr.'s girlfriend is played by Gwyneth Paltrow. She plays the character of Pepper Potts. How'd they come up with that name? An executive said, "Give me a condiment and a cooking utensil."

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This is a big weekend. On Saturday you've got the Kentucky Derby, and this Sunday is Cinco de Mayo. And Monday is the day you wake up and wonder why you're wearing a saddle.

Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again.

A man managed to hitchhike 100,000 miles without spending any money on travel. He says he did it all with a friendly smile, a positive attitude, and an ax.

There's a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea.

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