Tuesday Apr 23 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he's a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as "Kardashianism."

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she interfered with a police officer's DUI arrest of her husband. Reese admitted she had also been drinking. Apparently she told the officer she once played Johnny Cash's wife, June Carter. But they didn't believe her — because she couldn't “walk the line.”

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels got arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. And of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years.

NBC announced this week that we are going green to promote new ways to save our planet. Save our planet? We can't even save our prime-time lineup!

Late Show with David Letterman

Yesterday was Earth Day, and you know what I found here on the 14th floor? — an old-fashioned coal-powered typewriter. I'm so embarrassed.

Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, “Wait a minute, the real news isn't bad enough? Now we're making up bad news?”

According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there's hope for me!

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It's like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses.

Today is William Shakespeare's birthday. He would have been 449 years old, or as CBS calls it, “our demographic.”

Who else is celebrating a birthday? George Lopez. Shakespeare and George Lopez are very different. One’s a genius whose timeless observations on the human condition can bring tears to the eyes, and the other one's Shakespeare.

We’d better go to commercials now. That's what Shakespeare would have wanted on his birthday.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There is talk that Apple CEO Tim Cook might get fired because of the company's bad performance in the stock market. You can tell Tim Cook is trying to keep his job because he was like, "Have you tried turning the company off and back on again?"

The miniseries "The Bible" was a big hit. Now it's being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn.

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad's been wearing that cologne for 40 years.

A woman in Florida crashed her car into a Target store. But in her defense, the store did have a giant target on it.

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