Tuesday Jul 28 2009

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner


Everybody is wondering what Sarah Palin is going to do now that she has stepped down. Some people are saying that she wants to host her own TV show. The show is going to be called, “Am I More Coherent Than a 5th Grader?”

President Obama has invited Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to the White House for a beer. Of course, this could be trouble because the last time Obama got a few beers in him, he bought General Motors.

Today President Obama held a Q&A session about healthcare reform with senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave oven.

Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make.

Late Show with David Letterman

There’s a scandal going on in New Jersey. Black market organs were being sold by rabbis and governors. Is New Jersey the place you go when need a black market kidney?

Their license plate says, “The Garden State.” You think vegetables. You don’t think that they’re selling kidneys.

And when you think of corruption, do you really think of rabbis?

You know right now Bernie Madoff’s in prison saying to his wife, Walt, “You can make money off of your kidneys.”

Late Show with David Letterman- Late Show Top Ten


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

On this day in 2006, Mel Gibson went totally nuts. He went from slightly crazy to very crazy.

The traditional three-year gift is leather, so I’m getting Mel a muzzle.

Today is also Peruvian Independence Day. Peru is home to Machu Picchu. To get to it, you have to climb a mountain way up high. It’s very popular if you’re one of those athletic people who like to show off by “doing stuff.”

Once they get an elevator, I’ll go.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The producers of “The Bachelor” and ‘The Bachelorette” usually promise the most emotional endings. This season’s was uneventful, but here’s the problem I have with these shows: These are people who spend approximately 45 hours with each other, and based on those 45 hours, they get married. And then people who watch them cry because they’re so happy for them. Meanwhile, if it was someone you knew, or if your daughter came home and said she was engaged with someone she only knew for 45 hours, you’d cry too, but not from happiness.

Former Atlanta Falcons and dog fighting aficionado Michael Vick has been conditionally reinstated by the NFL. The condition is he has to wait until October to play in a game, and he has to practice every day against a team of angry Dobermans.

He has been working hard to rehabilitate himself: He served his prison time . . . he apologized . . . he promised to work with animal rights organizations . . . he was an usher at the Taco Bell dog’s funeral . . .

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama invited Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley to the White House for a beer this Thursday. It’s all part of Obama’s new approach to diplomacy: “How would they handle this on ‘Cheers’?”

Michael Vick was re-instated by the NFL yesterday. No team has offered him a contract yet, but he's hoping somebody throws him a bone.

He has a new leash on life.

Penn State University was rated the best party school of 2009 by The Princeton Review. And once again the award for worst party school went to North Korea Tech. Coming in second — The Amish School of Plow Repair.

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