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Wednesday Apr 10 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

It’s starting to get serious — China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, "Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.”

Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate.

According to The Wall Street Journal’s website, Anthony Weiner may run for mayor of New York City. Their website said that Mr. Weiner didn't respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn't email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!

Charlie Sheen is on the show tonight to talk about his hit TV show “Anger Management.” In fact, they're adding a new character this year — Rutgers coach Mike Rice.

Conan

A new report claims that almost half of Justin Bieber’s 37 million Twitter followers are fake. Even more disturbing: The other half is real.

Japanese engineers have created what they call a "Girlfriend Jacket" that replicates the sensation of being hugged by a woman from behind. Once again, Japanese engineers remain on the cutting edge of creepy loneliness.

Quentin Tarantino has had to alter “Django Unchained” so it can be shown in China. It will be “Django Escapes the iPad Factory.”

Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress. Rihanna said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s 66 degrees outside, and not too bright — just like me.

To go to a game at Yankee Stadium now costs $365 for a family of four. It's getting so that an American family of four no longer can afford to scream obscenities at the Red Sox.

Insiders say North Korea’s Kim Jong Un had plastic surgery to look more like his father Kim Jong Il. I found out today my son is doing just the opposite.

There's some good news for North Korea and Kim Jong Un. Today NBC announced they are bringing “The Tonight Show" back to Pyongyang.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

South Korean officials today say they're highly confident that North Korea will launch a media-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed.

Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass?

Today is day 14 of the Justin Bieber monkey crisis. He brought a monkey into Germany. But the monkey was confiscated and quarantined because Justin didn't have the proper paperwork. I have given Germany an ultimatum. If they do not release the monkey by Thursday at midnight, we are going to kill David Hasselhoff. So there you go, Germans. Set that monkey free or we off the Hoff.

The Cookie Monster was arrested last weekend. Not the real Cookie Monster — the one that dresses up like him in Times Square. A woman claimed he shoved her 2-year-old and cursed her out because she didn’t give him a tip. There's a reason he's called the Cookie Monster and not the Cookie Gentleman.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, “Yeah, that's how you know it's good.”

Just a week after naming the color of a plus-sized dress “Manatee Grey,” now Target is having to rename a pair of sandals called “Orina” because “orina” means “urine” in Spanish — while the name "Target" is just Spanish for "Fancy Wal-Mart."

Dick Cheney told House Republicans that the U.S. is in “deep doo doo” with North Korea. Incidentally, “deep doo do” is the color of the suit I just got at Target.

A new study found evidence that humans may have a so-called “lazy” gene. Scientists would know more, but why bother?

 
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