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Tuesday Apr 09 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We had unusually high winds last night. I looked out my window to see that the wind had blown down a huge palm tree. Then I turned on my TV and saw Michigan had blown a huge lead. Congratulations, Louisville Cardinals. NCAA champions. Beat Michigan, 82-76.

Here’s an amazing stat. the Lakers’ Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this year than Steve Nash has missed in his entire 17-year career. Even more amazing, Kobe Bryant has now taken more shots than Lance Armstrong.

The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don't vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, "You can do that?”

That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for.

Conan

Wasn't that NCAA championship game exciting? Last night the Louisville Cardinals defeated the Michigan Wolverines to win the national championship. People in Michigan were angry and depressed. Then they heard about the game.

North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to "Gangnam Style."

In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical "Grease." That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong.

Tom Cruise made his first public comments about his divorce from Katie Holmes. He said, "I didn't see it coming." Apparently Katie kept her divorce papers on top of the refrigerator.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s a beautiful day in New York City — 79 and sunny, like Kelly Ripa.

The Louisville Cardinals are your NCAA national champions. This is the second time in a month that a bunch of cardinals got together and took care of business.

Lindsay Lohan is on the show tonight. I believe it's part of her community service.

All day long people have been coming up to me and saying, "Dave, why is Lindsay Lohan on the show tonight?" And I said, "I think she believes I'm Dr. Phil."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it's like Mel Gibson saying, "Whoa, easy on the tequila."

Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They're adorable little missiles with "Hello Kitty" on them.

This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven't seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since "Gangnam Style."

Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world's attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I want you all to know that if the North Koreans launch a nuclear missile tomorrow, I'm really glad we had this time together.

Happy birthday to Hugh Hefner, who turned 87 years old today. He has a wife named Crystal who's 26 years old. She was born in 1986. He was born in 1926. What do they even talk about? He served in World War II. She wasn't even alive when "Ghostbusters" came out.

Justin Bieber has a new haircut. How is it possible that Justin Bieber is getting a new hairdo when his monkey is trapped in a German prison?

Justin Bieber tried to bring his pet monkey on tour with him to Germany two weeks ago but he didn't have the proper paperwork. So the Germans took the monkey. I'm very worried about the monkey. If it stays in Germany, it could develop a taste for techno dance music.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This week on the “Today” show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, “Cool. How does secretary of state sound?”

A prop phaser gun from the “Star Trek” TV show recently sold for $231,000 at an auction — making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that he's challenging himself to meet a new person every day. If only there were a website that could make that easy.

Last week people broke into the home of Miami Heat star Chris Bosh and stole $479,000 worth of jewelry while he was at his birthday party. Though on the plus side, now his friends know what to get him next year.

 
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