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Monday Apr 08 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Here’s something I didn’t know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy.

Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I’m sorry, that's not Kim Jong Un. That's Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused.

Stockton, Calif., has become the most populous city in the nation to go to bankruptcy. Stockton is so broke, the 99 Cent Store has been accused of price gouging.

You know what they call "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," in Stockton? "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

Conan

The company that owns Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been approved to buy Hostess Twinkies. A company spokesman said we want to branch out from people who don't care what they drink to people who don't care what they eat.

In New York, a man dressed as the Cookie Monster was arrested for pushing a 2-year-old. The man was immediately hired to be the new basketball coach at Rutgers.

Top fashion designer Michael Kors has launched a new campaign to stop world hunger. His first step: Stop hiring supermodels.

Kim Kardashian, who is five months pregnant, reportedly wants to give birth by C-section. In other words, even in childbirth, Kim is determined to avoid any kind of labor.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away. It is all over social media. But the Twitter hashtag confused some people into thinking that Cher died. There was panic in the gay community. Don't worry. Cher did not die.

An update on Justin Bieber's monkey. When Bieber got to Munich he didn't have the proper paperwork so it was quarantined in an animal shelter. The director of the shelter said a monkey is not suitable to be on a world tour. He should be out in the wild so he doesn't have serious psychological problems later in life.

It is kind of hard to tell if the director was talking about the monkey or Justin Bieber.

To make sure the monkey gets released, I issued an ultimatum. If they do not return the monkey to Justin Bieber by Thursday at midnight, we are going to kill David Hasselhoff. Germany takes something we love. We take something they love. It is as simple as that.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There's this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won't do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is.

Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on “Celebrity Apprentice.” I'm gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman — and then we'll talk about Kim Jong Un.

This is scary. Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Even environmentalists were like, “You killed that thing, right?”

Over the weekend, a rare baseball card was sold at an auction for $2 million. It turns out that it’s an A-Rod card that actually shows him playing.

 
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