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Thursday Apr 04 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don't send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship.

Some experts believe North Korea may have the missile capability to reach Los Angeles. That’s why NBC is moving “The Tonight Show” to New York. Of course. It makes perfect sense.

Somoa Air wants to be the first airline to charge passengers by the pound. You stand on a scale, they weigh you, and you pay your fare based on that. In a related story, Governor Chris Christie changed his flight from Samoa to Delta.

Model Heidi Klum was in Hawaii and saved her 7-year-old son from drowning. The rip tide pulled him out, and Heidi jumped in the water and saved him. I was surprised the kid isn’t a better swimmer. He's half seal, isn’t he?

Conan

It's our last night here in Atlanta. I'm leaving Atlanta with many new friends, great memories, and Type 2 diabetes.

The Braves have won every game since I've been here. And not only that, but before I got here the Braves hadn't won a game since October.

The Atlanta Braves are playing their first season in 19 years without third baseman Chipper Jones. But don't worry. He'll still be getting to third base tonight.

Late Show with David Letterman

Last night Jimmy Fallon — on his program, which used to be our program, which used to be Conan’s program — announced that he was taking over for Jay Leno. When I heard this I said to myself, “It's amazing that this information didn't leak out earlier.”

Jay, for leaving “The Tonight Show” for the second time, gets $15 million. It's the same deal that the Kardashian husband gets. It’s the same deal the old Pope got.

Yesterday NBC announced Jay's retirement. And today they officially began regretting it. But you don't have to worry. Jay always bounces back and that's what Fallon ought to be worried about.

They give Jay $15 million NOT to host to “The Tonight Show.” They gave Conan $30 million NOT to host “The Tonight Show.” I have not hosted “The Tonight Show” longer than both of them put together. WHERE IS MY MONEY?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Fast-food workers in New York City went on strike today. They're demanding the companies double their pay to $15 an hour. If it doesn't happen, there will be no fast food in New York. Mayor Bloomberg has got to be torn on this one, huh?

You will never see this kind of strike happen in New Jersey — not on Governor Christie’s watch.

Texas Highway Patrol pulled over a tanker rig for what they thought was a routine traffic stop, but when they searched the truck, they found 3.9 tons of marijuana in it. This is why you never ask the cops for directions to Willie Nelson's house.

Snoop Dogg has a new song collaborating with Miley Cyrus, making it impossible for fans of either artist to enjoy it.

Snoop is the only recording artist whose greatest hits don't involve music.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, "You can map mine for a lot less."

They’re testing a new breakfast sandwich that has eggs and bacon stuffed inside a glazed doughnut. It goes with their new slogan, "America runs out of breath on Dunkin'."

A man in New Jersey was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of perfume. Not good. I mean, if there's one thing you don't want in jail, it’s to smell pretty.

 
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