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Wednesday Apr 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Folks, I've got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get "The Tonight Show" again.

I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He’s going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We’ve all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place — now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don’t let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you.

Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber.

Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he's looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.

Conan

Here in Atlanta there are 4,000 more females then males. Of course, 2,000 of them are Tyler Perry in drag.

Even though I'm from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. I really do. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees.

The Dave Matthews Band will be performing a free concert here in Atlanta. And I thought having an extremely white guy do a free show for the people of Atlanta was my idea.

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta. Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you spotted Elton John when you think you have spotted Lady Gaga's grandmother.

Late Show with David Letterman

How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, "Well, David, I see you didn't get 'The Tonight Show' again."

Didn't we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It's crazy. He's being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong?

But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno's departure. No mention of his official date of return, however.

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called "Irony.gov."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was announced officially today that starting in February of next year after the Olympics, I will take over as new host of "The Tonight Show" on NBC. Excuse me. OK, I'm told it's a different Jimmy that's going to be hosting.

Jay Leno passes the torch to Jimmy Fallon. OK. Does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? — because I could be in a lot of trouble.

Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Welcome to the show, everybody. This is "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" — for now.

You've probably heard the news. I'm going to be taking over for "The Tonight Show" next February. But don't worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called.

The federal government says it will do one more study on the risk of cellphone radiation. Or as the guy with the third ear growing out of his neck said, "That's cool. Take your time."

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you'll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life.

 
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