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Tuesday Apr 02 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term "illegal immigrant." That is out. They will now use the phrase "undocumented Democrat."

Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress.

Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America's Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on.

Apparently back in the '80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn't get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana.

Conan

Man, you Atlanta crowds are loud. I like that. I don't know if this is a late-night talk show or a monster truck rally.

Last night I did a show here and the Braves won their first game of the season. So this morning I got a phone call from the Braves manager. I'd like to announce I'm doing 161 more shows here.

There are over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS. It committed suicide.

I read that not one team from Georgia made it into the NCAA Final Four. Yeah, I read it on a list of things not to bring up while doing a week of shows in Georgia.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Did you see Lindsay Lohan's April Fools' Day joke? Last night she tweeted that she's pregnant. This morning she tweeted "April Fools." Where's everybody's sense of humor? If Barbara Walters wrote it, it's funny. But with her, it's a reason to call Child Protective Services.

Lindsay tweeted at 1:30 a.m. on April 2. She can't even show up for her pranks on time.

The women's school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball.

The district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, "counter to what we're trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying plan. If you really want to ban bullying in school, there's only one way to do it. You need to ban children from school.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she's pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fools' Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case.

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fools' joke. Weirdly, no one was more relieved than that fake baby.

Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.”

President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.

 
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