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Monday Apr 01 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen.

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.

Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.

According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual.

Conan

This whole week we moved the show from Los Angeles to Atlanta. We have gone from the town where they make hundreds of movies a year to the town where they make tons of Tyler Perry movies a year.

They made three Tyler Perry movies as I was saying that last joke.

Atlanta's number one employer is Delta Airlines. In honor of Delta, tomorrow night's show will be delayed by two hours.

Late Show with David Letterman

In New York City you can park free for as long as you like — anywhere in New York City. Don't worry about the tickets. Mayor Bloomberg says, "It's on me. I'll take care of it." Oh, April Fools!

Every Easter I give my son all the leftover Halloween candy. He doesn't know. He's fine with it.

I'm worried about the Yankees. They're in a lot of trouble. Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter are on the disabled list. Jeter, of course, is recovering from a broken ankle. A-Rod is still getting over Cameron Diaz.

Mariano Rivera is back. What a fantastic reliever. I'm worried about him, too. He's 76 and has only one lung.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Researchers found that 25 percent of people say they've pulled an April Fools' Day prank on someone. And 22 percent say they have been pranked themselves. Which means there are 3 percent out there who have been pranked and don't know it yet.

A number of major corporations pulled pranks online. Google introduced a feature called Google nose. YouTube said they were shutting down for two years to pick the best video on the site. And Apple made their user agreement hundreds of pages long. Oh, that was not a prank? Silly me.

The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was "Be healthy, be active, be you." They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten kids with when they are bad. "I will send you straight to the yoga garden, little mister."

The Easter Bunny got into trouble this weekend. Highway Patrol in San Diego pulled over a man in a bunny suit for riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The cop let him go with a verbal warning. That's the right thing to do. You can't arrest the Easter Bunny on Easter.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. And it's a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, "Let's win it." Mets fans were like, "Let's have fun out there, you guys."

It was so cold that one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher.

President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, "Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill."

Last week Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Officials told him, "You have to leave your little friend behind. And the monkey said, "Sorry, Justin, I guess you've got to stay."

 
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