Monday Mar 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Harvard was knocked out of the NCAA tournament in the second round. But don’t kid yourself. This Harvard basketball team went somewhere no other team has gone: to class.

A 33-year-old woman in Britain claims to have an allergic reaction to exercise. She says every time she exercises, she has an allergic reaction. Actually, I have that. You know how I treat it? Pizza.

A rattlesnake handler in Texas is recovering in the hospital after being bitten for the 12th time. If you’re a rattlesnake handler and you've been bitten 12 times, are you really a handler? Aren’t you just a guy who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes?

Fitness pioneer Joe Weider has passed away at the age of 93. In 1969 he got Arnold Schwarzenegger his very first acting job. So, hopefully he will be remembered for the good things he did.



Tonight is the beginning of the eight-day Jewish holiday of Passover, when God freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt. In other words, history's first spring break.

They left Egypt and went to Florida. And they're still there.

Passover is the time every year when I'm forced to spend eight days and eight nights writing all my own jokes.

During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle — restoring Israel's relationship with pork.

Late Show with David Letterman

In honor of Passover tonight, all of these jokes are unleavened.

The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don't even work six months a year for the government.

New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don't know. It's hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit.

John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today happens to be Vaffeldagen. That is Swedish for Waffle Day. Every year on March 25, the people of Sweden get out of their Volvos, turn off their ABBA CDs, and start making waffles.

As far as I'm concerned, there are two types of people in this world. People who love waffles — and al-Qaida.

Waffle Day is one of my favorite holidays of the year. It's right up there with Pancakesgiving, Cinco de Pie-o, and Ham-o-ween.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special.

They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic.

Actress Tilda Swinton gave an unusual performance at the Museum of Modern Art this weekend. She slept in a glass box in the middle of the museum all day. If you are in New York, for $20 you can watch Tilda Swinton sleep in a box. In L.A. you can watch Gary Busey pass out in public for free.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There was a big upset this weekend in the NCAA tournament, when San Diego State was upset by 15th seed Florida Gulf Coast University. Yeah, Florida Gulf Coast University. Even the University of Phoenix Online was like, "Who?"

There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.

I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.

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