Wednesday Mar 20 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. Well, what a genius this guy is. Let's pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline.

Hey, if you think it costs a lot to fill up your tank now, just wait until Starbucks is involved.

You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival Cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever.

Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do "Jurassic Park"-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there's hope for NBC. It could turn around.

Late Show with David Letterman

A guy in Great Britain found a way to make cars run on coffee. It sounds like a great idea, right? Well, wait until you start trying to fill up the tank at Starbucks.

The good news is if cars start running on coffee, it means once again I can smoke at the pumps.

The new Pope worked as a bouncer in a nightclub. You don't think of that as step number one on your way to the top, do you?

I believe he's the only Pope who has ever said, "You've had enough, Miss Lohan."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

It is spring in L.A. Flowers are blooming, sundresses are coming out, and Taylor Swift is gathering up new boyfriends to last through the summer.

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers — at least until their plastic surgery heals.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to "early spring psychosis."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Do we have spring breakers in the audience tonight? You have the week off. You know, the kids in China get only six MINUTES off for spring break.

How does spring break work for people who get their degrees online? Do they go to websites about the beach?

The president filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that.

A chicken in China laid a giant egg. When they cracked the egg open, they found two yolks in it. Then they found, inside the egg, another egg. And when they cracked that egg open, it had another yolk in it. The chicken gave birth to a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

A man in the U.K. is making news for getting his car to run on coffee. That's a good idea. Since gas prices aren't high enough, let's add Starbucks to the equation.

During his visit to Israel today, President Obama's limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: "Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?"

President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. It's been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win.

A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, "That's your Plan A?"

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