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Tuesday Mar 19 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She's now been given a job at the White House as President Obama's economic adviser.

She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings.

The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.

The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They'll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: "You can do that?"

Late Show with David Letterman

How about this weather? Isn't it crazy? It's 46 and cloudy — like Lindsay Lohan.

The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course.

The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Last night on "The Tonight Show," during the monologue Jay Leno called NBC executives "snakes." The response came quickly. "Jay Leno has crossed the line and gone too far," responded the snakes.

The new show "Bates Motel" premiered last night. It was very suspenseful. The whole time watching it I was thinking, "Will that guy get stabbed? Will he survive to see the next week?" I'm sorry, that's while I was watching "The Tonight Show."

I have a problem with "Bates Motel." It's set in the present day. I don't like that. I don't want to see Norman Bates texting, "OMG, mom just stabbed somebody."

Justin Bieber says he's growing a mustache. He's going to post the finished result on Twitter, assuming Twitter still exists in the year 2050.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tomorrow is the first official day of spring, although you would not know it if you live in New England or wherever heavy snow is falling again. Do you remember that groundhog that said we'd have an early winter and early spring? We should eat him. Someone has to pay for this.

For many colleges, this is spring break. College kids will go to places like South Beach to make mistakes they will cherish for a lifetime.

Spring break is an important American tradition. It's how we grow a new crop of MTV teen moms.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today's the last full day of winter. Which means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, "Who do you think's going to build that path?"

Kate Middleton revealed that she wants to have a boy, but Prince William is hoping for a girl. However, they both agree that no matter what gender it is, its nanny will love it just the same.

Burger King is now offering a turkey burger on its menu. Or as horses put it, "Nope, still us."

 
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