Monday Mar 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water.

You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives.

I woke up this morning to the sound of helicopters and police sirens — which of course in L.A. can only mean one thing: Lindsay Lohan's back in court again.

Lindsay was late once again for a court appearance by almost an hour. But I blame the judge. Who in his right mind would schedule a Lindsay Lohan court appearance for the morning after St. Patrick's Day?

Late Show with David Letterman

I went over to St. Patrick’s cathedral earlier and they're giving away free Pope bobbleheads.

"Jeopardy" host Alec Trebek announced that he is retiring. He said he's too old and just doesn't have the energy to be the host anymore. And I said, "Great, another conclave. Here we go."

Anybody go to the St. Patrick’s parade? How many of you attended the parade and were beaten up and now have amnesia?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Lindsay Lohan was back in court for a probation violation hearing. She was 48 minutes late to court. What she really needs to steal is a watch.

Tiger Woods announced he is dating Lindsey Vonn. So just when you thought Lohan had a lock on the title of Lindsay with the worst judgment, along comes Lindsey Vonn.

Tiger said, "We have become close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and respecting our privacy." And the best way to keep it private is to post about it on Facebook.

It's nice to see Tiger with a woman not holding a subpoena for a change.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Happy St. Hangover's Day, everybody.

It is the day after St. Patrick's Day. So if you're just waking up now, I'm sorry, I don't know whose apartment you're in.

The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's "The Bible" looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, "How can you do that to Satan?"

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