Thursday Mar 14 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs.

The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea.

Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney.

Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, “I could have been Pope.”


It's been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer. Isn't that great? This new Pope is already getting things done.

Taco Bell sold over a million Doritos Locos Tacos a day. Other companies now have taken notice. The new Blackberry is coming out in a tasty Doritos shell.

Spring is almost here, which meanings two things, the rebirth of nature and the crazed expressions of Gary Busey on "Celebrity Apprentice."

A Washington state mother is accused of letting her 22-month-old toddler smoke marijuana. When reached for comment the toddler said, "Hey, man, everybody chill out!"

Late Show with David Letterman

The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble.

The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the Latin vote.

It took the cardinals less than 24 hours to elect a new Pope. It took a year to replace Regis.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Lamar Odom bought his wife Khloe Kardashian a new puppy. He said, "Have fun with this creature, even though it won't do anything but lay around house all day." And the puppy said, "Thanks."

Steven Seagal is in Russia meeting with President Vladimir Putin. Nowadays, Seagal looks like a giant, overweight Dracula.

Seagal would say, "I want to drink your blood. Actually not so much the blood. Do you have anything to eat?"

Vladimir Putin invited Seagal as part of Russia's new health initiative. Putin's reviving a fitness program that was started by Stalin. Is that a good idea?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: “Breaking Bad" spoiler alert!

Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he’s kind of the bouncer for Heaven.

A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies.

With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you're spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy.

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