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Wednesday Mar 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A.

People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.

But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on “The View.”

We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.

Conan

We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do.

The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.

In Moscow, '90s action star Steven Seagal hung out with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The meeting lasted two hours and then went straight to DVD.

McDonald's has introduced a yoke-free Egg McMuffin has only 260 calories. After hearing this, every McDonald's customer said, "Sweet, I'll have six of them."

Late Show with David Letterman

The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you're saying to yourself, "Boy, that name sounds familiar," you're right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees.

He will be Pope Francis. Historically, the last Pope Francis was Frank Sinatra. Am I right about that?

Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope.

Mayor Bloomberg tried to ban giant 16-ounce sugary sodas and a judge overturned the ruling. And I said, "Thank God I don't have to drive to Canada to get my Mountain Dew anymore."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Pope pickin' is over. Over 100,000 people were packed into St. Peter's Square, waiting for news of the Pope. It was really awe-inspiring. Between that and Monday night's "Bachelor" finale, my eyes haven't been dry all week.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. "Francis" was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of "Pope Boo Boo."

What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.

The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina has been named the new Pope. After the new Pope was chosen, he was brought to a place in the Vatican called "The Room of Tears." Or as I call that, "the gym."

Yesterday, a truck in North Carolina overturned and spilled frozen pizzas all over the highway. First responders said, “It's not a disaster — it's DiGiorno.”

A new survey found that Newark Airport is one of the best airports in the country to find love. Unless you love your luggage.

 
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