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Tuesday Mar 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The latest rumor, according to the Italian press, is that Pope Benedict did not retire. They say he was forced out by NBC.

A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg's ban on large sugary drinks. The judge made his decision after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper, if I'm not mistaken.

McDonald's announced they are dropping its fruit and walnut salad from the menu. The two people who go to McDonald's for fruit and walnuts are really upset about this.

According to reports, Saudi Arabia is considering dropping public beheadings because of a shortage of government swordsmen. You don't want amateurs to cut people's heads off because that could be barbaric.

Conan

Everyone's waiting to find out who the new Pope will be. Did you know the Pope gets to choose his own name? Experts say the number one choice for the new Pope's name is John and the number two choice is Leo. A distant third: Jayden.

The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don't reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they're working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.

The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don't have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any "Walking Dead" spoilers.

A company is developing drones that can be used to pick up and develop items for customers. So if you see a drone, someone in the neighborhood either joined al-Qaida or Netflix.

Late Show with David Letterman

With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there's a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?

The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they're drawn out. It's the same thing they do for the Vatican's Secret Santa.

The Pope has more than one designation. He's also the bishop of Rome. He's also known as the pontiff. And here's what I didn't know. He's also known as Diddy.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek."

As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.

How would the government try to enforce something like that? It's not like Obama's got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who's still trying to figure out how the ballots work.

In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong.

There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad when world leaders are like, "Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?"

A 106-year-old woman in Ohio just received her high school diploma after 88 years. She may even go to college, but only if she gets that volleyball scholarship.

 
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