Monday Mar 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.

Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea's Kim Jong Un. It's nice of him to step in and fill that.

A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.

In England, gas is $10 a gallon. In fact, gas is so high in England that people have stopped eating horses and started riding them again.


The Obamas' dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said "Wait, why am I still taking the train?"

After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.

Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida.

The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.

Late Show with David Letterman

Today the groggiest day of the year because of monkeying with our clocks. But the biggest waste of time about resetting your clocks is trying to line up that little hole in the clock with the nail in your wall.

You now can take pocket knives on commercial airlines. And you can also take pool cues on commercial flights. This is great news if you're a knife-wielding pool hustler.

North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!

When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Thanks to daylight saving time, we lost an hour this weekend. If you're watching this show, you're about to lose another hour.

Everyone is talking about is these Google glasses. When I say everybody, I mean me.

Google glasses are the next stage in the evolution of eyewear. Wear these and record everything you see. It's like you have a memory!

People are already worried about radiation from cellphones. So why not make a device that you can put next to your eyes all day?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow the College of Cardinals will gather at the Vatican, where they will vote four times a day until they select a new Pope. And if that doesn't work, they'll move onto the tiebreaker: “Rock, Bible, Scissors.”

“Oz the Great and Powerful” made $80 million at the box office in its opening weekend. It tells the story of a con artist dealing with a bunch of witches. Or as he's called these days, "The Bachelor."

It was announced that China is opening its own Disneyland, which Disney says will be both "authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese." Which explains why the parents of Huey, Duey, and Louie had to pick just one.

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