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Thursday Mar 07 2013

Conan

President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said "Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend."

North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?

Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store.

Scientists have recently created a robot that can bake cookies. And by scientists I mean two stoned kids who work at RadioShack.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't belong. Fake your birth certificate.

Tonight there's a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama's drones?

They say the comet is visible to the naked eye. The naked eye? My eyes are always naked. Do people wear eye clothes now?

There are a lot of people watching the comet tonight. I'm surprised that advertisers aren't sponsoring it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation.

Zuckerberg said that with this improved news feed Facebook hopes to give the world "the best personalized newspaper that we can." He's playing it a little bit loose with the word "newspaper." A newspaper tells us that North Korea is threatening to attack us, not that your friend went to Panera Bread this afternoon.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that the plot of "Footloose"?

Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands?

 
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